| Getting to know the wolf |
[27 Nov 2006|09:00pm] |
My Disclaimer… What is below is simply some of my thoughts and theories put into writing, eclectic and odd as they may be. I believe that therianthropy requires more that simply being, more than simply claiming to be such. It deserves and requires work, searching, time, energy, discovery and patience. It gives back pain and joy, frustration and elation, confusion and clarity. Though I certainly do not see what everyone does with their own path, it seems that too few of us actually put forth much time and effort into exploring the depths of what we are. I’ve been active in the online therian community for 10 years now, I’ve been slowly working with my therian nature for around 16 years now, and aware of it for longer than that. I’m tired of conversations dealing with semantics, terminology, traits of proof and what-if’s. I don’t claim to be a guru of any sort, I don’t claim to have the answers, I am simply sharing this because it helps me to put my thoughts into writing on occasion, perhaps someone will benefit from this and I do enjoy intellectual feedback.
Getting to know the wolf…
I guess I don’t really know what “step” this is, so to speak, but I would assume it’s pretty early on. I think I may be backtracking and trying to do things more cleanly from the beginning know, perhaps it’s the natural course. I’ve had a little taste of things well beyond this point, but it seems you don’t really get to know them unless you’ve taken the steps properly from the beginning. Fair enough. I believe I’ve tasted enough of what is to come, even if so very briefly, to know it’s well worth doing it right.
To line out what I have come to believe so far as steps. First off is finding your space. You have to have absolute comfort and safety, you have to be in a place where your surroundings will not cause you to second guess going all the way through with things. For me, since I live in the middle of the mountains, anywhere around my place is perfect for me, though in the winter months being inside is pretty much required most of the time. When I work inside, my dogs have to be outside in their enclosure, and I stoke my woodstove way up so I can leave the front door open and not be cold. Clothing has to go, indoors or out, it is inhibiting, though a blanket is not. Atmosphere is important as well, I work much better in the darkness of night, though I like the light of one candle burning, indoors or outdoors. Earthy scented incense is nice as well as music. Music is something that varies a lot with mood for me, most of the time I like something mellow in the lines of native american type drumming music, but I can range to heavy rock music or electronica as well. Of course atmosphere is what it is, there is nothing special or magical within it self, it is only a personal tool to put you into the mindset you need to be in to work.
The second step, as I see it, is learning to meditate. I don’t have any magical answers here on this one, I’m pretty much self taught, aside from acquiring some information and methodology from a few books. Over the years with many of the therians I’ve met, this seems to be a major fault. Many want someone to explain how to meditate to them, or they simply say they can not do it. I think it’s important, buy a book or two, take a class, if it’s something important to you, do the work it takes to get there.
Step three is entering each session with the right mindset. Charge yourself, for me a small ritual first, calling the directions, talking to the wolf spirit, asking for guidance and the likes. I don’t know that there is any magic in doing so, but for me it charges me spiritually, starts my mindset out right, and helps with clarity. Even reading a therian or animal spirituality related book beforehand seems to really help with mindset.
Beyond this, steps and such get pretty murky in where they really should lie. These are pieces of what I have figured out this far.
Though my own experiences and such, I have come to believe more that therianthropy derives from past lives. Getting in touch with the memories you carry of your past life as an animal, reliving experiences, and being able to “ride” memories of that life, fully saturated in all the feelings and senses of your animal body is a big key in going deeper.
You need to get to know the wolf, in body, spirit, and in mind. To do this, you need to tap into the memories of your past life as a wolf. Call them forward in a meditative state and ride them like dreams. I believe we are they way we are because that past life is not locked away, it is at the surface and there to be opened, our awareness of our animal spirit would not have been brought to light within us if it was not. Asking for those memories to come forth and starting out a session by visualizing wolf things, such as running through a forest, howling with a pack, or stalking prey is what works for me. Then the trick is to fall into the memory and simply ride it, trying to keep your human mindset quiet and detached while feeling every nuance of your wolf body, learning and knowing exactly how every part of you feels, feeling the emotions, the senses, learning exactly what it is to be a wolf through your past memories. This, I believe, imprints the essence, body, and spirit of wolf onto the human mind (not integrates). I believe this makes the shifting transition easier, allowing the human mind to relax more because it knows exactly what is coming, while strengthening the spirit of wolf from it’s own memories.
Yup… I know this is probably weird and ‘out there’ for a lot of people, but at the same time I know a lot of folks will know what I mean and know what I am working towards. We are therians for a reason, there is more to it. Most of us have barely scratched the surface of what lies beneath. Many of us, for whatever reasons, will never even attempt to work with what they have and venture deeper. I believe in devoting a significant amount of time and energy into my lupine nature. Sometimes progress and answers are non-existent, then I progress another little step that rekindles the flame back into a roar. For me, I see my spirituality and my animal nature as the most important aspect of my life. I know of only a handful of others like me, it’s always been amazing to me when I get the chance to meet these kind of people in person, some I have known through the online community beforehand, some I did not know that way before meeting, but there is always an instant connection, and it is something you can see in their eyes.
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| Mostly complete and full version. |
[27 Apr 2006|09:51pm] |
Standard disclaimer… This is about me, yes, all about me. None of this is meant to fit into any categorical archetype of therianthropy. None of this is meant to be all inclusive. None of this is meant to be a template for any sort of defining term. I probably could have used ‘animal’ in place of ‘wolf’ in a majority of instances, but I didn’t, and I won’t, what I know is wolf. Feel free to extrapolate what you wish of it to be inclusive of an animal other than wolf. It may work, I don’t know, I’m just a wolf, not an expert. These are just some of my thoughts and theories on therianthropy put into writing to be shared.
Why do therianthropes exist? I believe in reincarnation, that souls come back over many lifetimes. Not just as one species perhaps, but as any living organism. One plausibility is I spent my last lifetime as a wolf, or perhaps many lifetimes in a row. Now in this lifetime, there is some echo of that lifetime as a wolf. This echo leads to a place in my soul that knows exactly what it is to be a wolf and has the memories of an entire lifetime as a wolf. I don’t know exactly why this echo exists, I may have lead an important life somehow as a wolf and my soul wants to hang on to it, or perhaps I died in a tragic way as a wolf and that is the means for the existence of the echo. Something is in my soul that knows exactly what it is like to be a wolf, this is one of the few things I am certain of in therianthropy. I don’t know that we, as therians, have any higher purpose or underlying duty in life. If we exist for a reason, or simply came to be by chance. I think my life would be much easier and more straightforward without it, but if it were to suddenly be gone now in my life, it would leave a significant hole in me.
What is the basis of therianthropy? Everything has a way to be explained, even spiritual things, though they can be more difficult. Not necessarily in a detailed scientific way, but in a way that puts enough of the pieces together to create something that you can mentally grasp. The spirit of a wolf resides in my soul, perhaps from the theory of a past lifetime, perhaps because of something else. This wolf is me, but not the me that I know on a daily basis, this me was shaped by a lifetime as a wolf, thinking as a wolf does and living as a wolf does. This makes the wolf a very different person than I am as a human, as I am shaped by thinking and living as a human does. Both contain the very essence of who and what I am, but at the same time are very different. The wolf is like a spiritual rider, he is very aware of all of my senses, and for some reason he is awake within me. Wolf has the ability, when I am receptive, to make his senses known to me. But the level of how much or how strongly he can do this is related to how receptive and willing I am for this to happen. I believe this is what happens when I seemingly at random feel a mental shift begin. The wolf has taken a stimulus from my existence and makes known how that stimulus affects the wolf’s senses. This is the point in a random shift that I can relax and let go into it, or take control and push it aside. I think the wolf needs this stimulus of reality now and then, I feel that if I was to fight off these feelings for too long, the wolf will either try more and more strongly to get his release, or he will simply go to sleep for the rest of my human existence. Since I am happy with the relationship I have with wolf, keeping him happy is very important, thereby keeping myself happy.
What happens in a shift? I believe there are times where the wolf wants more control, or more interaction with the physical. This is what I feel the wolf’s motivation behind shifting is, he wants his time in the real world. For the wolf to induce a shift, he makes his senses and his thoughts known to me, from a mild degree spanning to some point I have not yet found. In mild to moderate shifts, the human mindset is still at the forefront, but is allowing a varying degree of suggestibility from the wolf. This suggestibility allows the human mindset to feel it’s own senses from a normal state, up to as if they were those of the wolf, while still remaining in control. Also allowing the human mind to slow or halt it’s own thoughts and simply listen and respond to those of the wolf. Phantom shifting is an extension of the same thing, the wolf making his physical shape known. Shifting is an exchange of roles between the wolf and the human. The wolf as the rider, taking more control of the physical and the human as the physical stepping towards the role as the rider. Most shifts are very shallow when looked at in this light, I believe that if one puts this into numbers, when one reaches the state of 50/50 the wolf will be able to take control and the roles will be fully reversed. The human steps into the position of the rider, and the wolf is in control of the mind and of the body. 50/50 is like the step off the ledge into the unknown and I don’t believe one can get there by accident. From things I have read, as well as my own feelings and thoughts, I believe the first time wolf has the ability to take control, he takes it fully, but I believe that later in the experience, perhaps within the first time, perhaps not until several full shifts later, the human mindset can influence more control on the wolf while fully shifted.
Then what? I don’t know what lies beyond when you take that step. I’ve felt as if I were at that point several times. For me it only occurred during induced shifts while I was in a meditative state. Frankly, every time I have been at that point, it has scared me. I’ve pondered if there is no coming back from it or if it will only be a temporary thing. If I am really at the gateway of what I believe to be, or if it is something else. So I really don’t know, but I am going to keep trying. I believe doing so, seeking this out and working with it, is initially the point behind therianthropy, the knowledge and experience one is supposed to seek out.
Induced shifting? I think it’s kind of like reversing the tables on the wolf. When I feel shifty, I think it’s the wolf trying to induce a shift in me by projecting some of himself into my senses. So by projecting wolf-like feelings into my own senses, or perhaps into his, on my own, it’s like asking him to come out in a way he understands. I think inducing shifts is a very important part of developing my therianthropy, exploring what I have to better understand it, and seeking to find how deep these waters really run.
How do you induce shifts? I’m pretty sure this one is going to differ a bit between individuals and differ greatly between species. The first thing I usually do when doing animal work is a small ritual, pay homage to the spirit of wolf and ask for guidance in what I am doing. Then relax and put myself into a meditative state. I find for me that laying down on my back in complete darkness is best. Soothing music with no words is very helpful for me as well. Then I work to visualize myself as a wolf running through the forest. I concentrate on feeling every part of my body as a wolf, feel every muscle work as I run, feel my paws hitting the ground, feel and hear the wind in my ears, smell the trees that surround me, try to saturate every sense with that of the wolf. Usually by this time I have some serious phantom shifting going on and I work on feeling it and paying attention to the intricacies of what I feel. Often I introduce a silent mantra to help keep focused. Then I switch things up a bit. Sometimes I will continue the visualization with things like meeting up with my pack, going on a hunt and taking down prey, or meeting up in a secluded place with a female wolf. By this time, I don’t have to work at all on feeling all the wolf feels, all the sensations, thoughts and emotions feel like a completely conscious occurrence. For me this is a spectacular thing to ride, I’m not sure if it is really astral shifting or not, but it may be. Other times I will work to let the shift run as deep as possible while staying aware of my physical surroundings, absorb the wolf’s sensations of everything, and tune into the phantom shifting in many parts of my body. See myself and feel myself as a wolf, laying in as exactly the same position in the same place as I am laying, as near a wolf’s body can mimic it. Then retract myself from physical feeling of my body to the point of having almost none. After that, retracting myself from the conscious section of my mind. This part is a lot harder for me to explain, it is somewhat like feeling as if you just let yourself fall backwards off a ledge to a backwards freefall into nothingness. Like pushing yourself into a dreamlike state, while remaining mildly aware of your surroundings, but staying awake. Where your dream is that of the wolf taking control of your conscious mind. This is what I call letting go. I kind of think of it as taking a step backwards in the riddle, “He was a wolf, who dreamed he was a man, who dreamed he was a wolf, who dreamed.”
Where are you trying to get with this? With everything I have learned about what other therians are doing to gain a deeper understanding of their animal nature, I feel those of us looking to find how deep the waters really run are rare. Well I’m one of those, I want to pursue those answers, learn what this is about, how deep it is, how powerful it really is, and where it comes from. I am a believer in physical shifting, that it is not something you are simply going to stumble into discovering. It seems there are only a handful of us around anymore, most therians subscribe to the notion therianthropy does not cross that line, but I’ve never been one to subscribe to a belief simply because a majority around me do so. I know others say it is not physically possible or scientifically feasible, I have my own rationale that says it is, this is my leap into faith and spirituality.
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| Therianthropy Theories, part 2 |
[25 Apr 2006|09:11pm] |
Continuation
Draft/rough, your input is welcome.
Induced shifting? I think it’s kind of like reversing the tables on the wolf. When I feel shifty, I think it’s the wolf trying to induce a shift in me by projecting some of himself into my senses. So by projecting wolf like feelings into my own senses, or perhaps into his, on my own, it’s like asking him to come out in a way he understands. I think inducing shifts is a very important part of developing my therianthropy, exploring what I have to better understand it, and seeking to find how deep these waters really run.
How do you induce shifts? I’m pretty sure this one is going to differ a bit between individuals and differ greatly between species. The first thing I usually do when doing animal work is a small ritual, pay homage to the spirit of wolf and ask for guidance in what I am doing. Then relax and put myself into a meditative state. I find for me that laying down on my back in complete darkness is best. Soothing music with no words is very helpful for me as well. Then I work to visualize myself as a wolf running through the forest. I concentrate on feeling every part of my body as a wolf, feel every muscle work as I run, feel my paws hitting the ground, feel and hear the wind in my ears, smell the trees that surround me, try to saturate every sense with that of the wolf. Usually by this time I have some serious phantom shifting going on and I work on feeling it and paying attention to the intricacies of what I feel. Often I introduce a silent mantra to help keep focused. Then I switch things up a bit. Sometimes I will continue the visualization with things like meeting up with my pack, going on a hunt and taking down prey, or meeting up in a secluded place with a female wolf. By this time, I don’t have to work at all on feeling all the wolf feels, all the sensations, thoughts and emotions feel like a completely conscious occurrence. For me this is a spectacular thing to ride, I’m not sure if it is really astral shifting or not, but it may be. Other times I will work to let the shift run as deep as possible while staying aware of my physical surroundings, absorb the wolf’s sensations of everything, and tune into the phantom shifting in many parts of my body. See myself and feel myself as a wolf, laying in as exactly the same position in the same place as I am laying, as near a wolf’s body can mimic it. Then retract myself from physical feeling of my body to the point of having almost none. After that, retracting myself from the conscious section of my mind. This part is a lot harder for me to explain, it is somewhat like feeling as if you just let yourself fall backwards off a ledge to a backwards freefall into nothingness. Like pushing yourself into a dreamlike state, while remaining mildly aware of your surroundings, but staying awake. Where your dream is that of the wolf taking control of your conscious mind. This is what I call letting go. I kind of think of it as taking a step backwards in the riddle, “He was a wolf, who dreamed he was a man, who dreamed he was a wolf, who dreamed.”
Where are you trying to get with this? With everything I have learned about what other therians are doing to gain a deeper understanding of their animal nature, I feel those of us looking to find how deep the waters really run are rare. Well I’m one of those, I want to pursue those answers, learn what this is about, how deep it is, how powerful it really is, and where it comes from. I am a believer in physical shifting, that it is not something you are simply going to stumble into discovering. It seems there are only a handful of us around anymore, most therians subscribe to the notion therianthropy does not cross that line, but I’ve never been one to subscribe to a belief simply because a majority around me do so. I know others say it is not physically possible or scientifically feasible, I have my own rationale that says it is, this is my leap into faith and spirituality. No lore of supernatural creatures is so widespread between separate cultures.
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| Therianthropy theories |
[24 Apr 2006|09:12pm] |
This is a partial/rough, I am going to add/revise/lengthen but I wanted to share what I have now.
Theories of Therianthropy
Standard disclaimer… This is about me, yes, all about me. None of this is meant to fit into any categorical archetype of therianthropy. None of this is meant to be all inclusive. None of this is meant to be a template for any sort of defining term. I probably could have used ‘animal’ in place of ‘wolf’ in a majority of instances, but I didn’t, and I won’t, what I know is wolf. Feel free to extrapolate what you wish of it to be inclusive of an animal other than wolf. It may work, I don’t know, I’m just a wolf, not an expert. These are just some of my thoughts and theories on therianthropy put into writing to be shared.
Why do therianthropes exist? I believe in reincarnation. Our souls come back over many lifetimes. Not just as one species perhaps, but as any living organism. One plausibility is I spent my last lifetime as a wolf, or perhaps many lifetimes in a row. Now in this lifetime, there is some echo of that lifetime as a wolf. This echo leads to a place in my soul that knows exactly what it is to be a wolf and has the memories of an entire lifetime as a wolf. I don’t know exactly why this echo exists, I may have lead an important life somehow as a wolf and my soul wants to hang on to it, or perhaps I died in a tragic way as a wolf and that is the means for the existence of the echo. Something is in my soul that knows exactly what it is like to be a wolf, this is one of the few things I am certain of in therianthropy.
What is the basis of therianthropy? Everything has a way to be explained, even spiritual things, though they can be more difficult. Not necessarily in a scientific way, but in a way that puts enough of the pieces together to create something that you can mentally grasp. The spirit of a wolf resides in my soul, perhaps from the theory of a past lifetime, perhaps because of something else. This wolf is me, not the me that I know on a daily basis, this me was shaped by a lifetime as a wolf, thinking as a wolf does and living as a wolf does. This makes the wolf a very different person than I am as a human, as I am shaped by thinking and living as a human does. Both contain the very essence of who and what I am, but at the same time are very different. The wolf is like a spiritual rider, he is very aware of all of my senses, for some reason he is awake within me. Wolf has the ability, when I am receptive, to make his senses known to me. But the level of how much or how strongly he can do this is related to how receptive and willing I am for this to happen. I believe this is what happens when I seemingly at random feel a mental shift begin. The wolf has taken a stimulus from my existence and makes known how that stimulus effects the wolf’s senses. This is the point in a random shift that I can relax and let go into it, or take control and push it aside. I think the wolf needs this stimulus of reality now and then, so if one was to fight off these feelings for too long, the wolf will either try more and more strongly to get his release, or he will simply go to sleep for the rest of your human existence.
What happens in a shift? I believe there are time where the wolf wants more control, or more interaction with the physical. This is why we shift. The wolf makes his senses and his thoughts known to me, from a mild degree spanning to some point I have not yet found. From mild to moderate shifts, the human mindset is still at the forefront, but is allowing a varying degree of suggestibility from the wolf. This suggestibility allows the human mindset to feel it’s own senses from a normal state up to as if they were those of the wolf. Also allowing the human mind to slow or halt it’s own thoughts and simply listen and respond to those of the wolf. Phantom shifting is an extension of the same thing, the wolf making his physical shape known. Shifting is an exchange of roles between the wolf and the human. The wolf as the rider, taking more control of the physical and the human as the physical stepping into the role as the rider. Most shifts are very shallow in this light, I believe that if you put this into number, when you reach the state of 50/50 the wolf will be able to take control and the roles will be fully reversed. 50/50 is like the step off the ledge into the unknown and I don’t believe you can get there by accident.
Then what? I don’t know what lies beyond when you take that step. I’ve felt as if I were at that point several times. For me it only occurred during induced shifts while I was in a meditative state. Frankly, every time I have been at that point, it has scared me. I’ve pondered if there is no coming back from it or if it will only be a temporary thing. If I am really at the gateway of what I believe to be, or if it is something else. So I really don’t know, but I am going to keep trying.
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| Wheeeee... *splat* |
[19 Apr 2006|10:48pm] |
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music |
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Lovely depressing stuffs |
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Well, things are uplifting I guess. D/Led some new music that I'm laughing my ass off at, gotta love bad growl metal/trance/something werewolf music.
I fly back to Denver tomorrow, thank dog. Be more than glad to get back to my little sanctum, my friends, my dogs, and the wolves. My mother and I went out to dinner tonight. This after the inhome care person for my father decided not to show up, and not bothering to call. WTF? So my mother called some neighbor friends and asked if they wouldn't mind coming over to sit with my father. So, after some good eats and strong drinks, I popped a few questions on my mother. Nothing major really, I know she can't handle that kind of stuff. I learned that she and my father met on a double blind date, and apparently this date went very badly, the guys just talked to eachother, and the girls had nothing in common to talk about. So she was pretty pissy about it. But my father called her back the next day and apologized for how things went, she begrudgingly decided to give him another try, and I guess they hit it off. And I was named after my dad's favorite bar, how lovely.
So I've been loving my music lately, it's been my only escape here. There's something about depressing music that I just love, I dunno...
Crowded streets are cleared away
One by One
Hollow heroes separate
As they run
You're so cold
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men wonder while
Strong men die
Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
That's alright, let's give this another try
If you find your family, don't you cry
In this land of make-believe, dead and dry
You're so cold, but you feel alive
Lay your hand on me one last time
Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
That's alright, let's give this another try
It's alright... It's alright...
There's something about epic tales, be it in song form or not. Gets me to thinking about, "What is important enough in your life, that you would happily sacrifice that life for?" I know I have a few things in my life that I would do so for. I'm happy that way, I guess it would be kind of sad to be living a life where you had nothing you believed in strongly enough to make that ultimate sacrifice for.
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| It's okay... Really. |
[18 Apr 2006|02:13pm] |
| [ |
music |
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blaring TV in the next room |
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Anyways... I'm a bit calmer now. Tipped back a few white russians last night and things are better. I guess I just needed to vent a bit. It's a messed up deal for my mother and father, seriously messed up deal. I'm not sure really who it is worse for, though I guess it really does not matter. I believe a bit in fate, and I believe strongly that every step on the path of life has a purpose and a meaning to it. Even the most dire of situations are presented to you for a reason. Maybe the reason is not immediately evident, or maybe not even with a lot of reflection and introspection, but the reason is there.
My view of life is a bit strange I guess. To me it's kind of like a riddle in a way. Everything you do, everything you feel, everything you experience matters in a foremost way. But at the same time, all of it really means nothing at all. They both occour at the same time, all the time, every time. In a way it's like a game of poker. Sometimes you are dealt a crap hand, sometimes you can can fix your hand in the game, sometimes you can't. But even when you can't fix your hand of cards, you still can have a good time playing the game, after all, once this hand ends you are going to be dealt a new hand. I view life that way.
I wish the best for my dad, whatever that may be. If it is to continue how he is, if that is what needs to happen in his life so be it. If it is the peace from the coming of death, time to move on and start anew, so be that as well. I guess I just need to hold the faith that whatever needs to happen in his life, will happen and is happening.
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| Welcome home... |
[17 Apr 2006|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Hedningarna - Tra |
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Okay, I guess I might finally start using this thing for my ramblings, ventings and such. Feel the insanity that dances through my head, yay! *dances*
Anyways... So here I am, stuck in Arizona for a week with my parents. Let me set the scene for you a bit as we go back in time, cue the eerie music and soft focus. *coughs*
My mother has always been a control freak. Everything has to be her way for some reason or the world is coming down around her. I'm sure from the point I was born that was somehow already well instilled within her, and without a buttload of psychotherapy it will never come back out. That obviously is not going to happen now... Ever... But I've progressed with my own life enough to be past the point of that bothering me, I think, at least when I'm not in her presence, which is typically only a few days a year. On top of this she is bipolar, seems to be less now that it was in the past. She could always go to the point of being quite nice, to the point of molten lava shooting from her eyeballs at the drop of a hat. Yet on top of this as well, she is clinically narcisistic. In her eyes she is perfection, she has to let everyone know this on a regular basis of course. When I was young, I was neaive and believed this, like all children do of their parents. I remeber hearing this statement of all children thinking their parents were perfect when they were young, I just did realize that all parents didn't tell their children that they were perfect as well.
*scoots up in his couch and talks to Mr. Freud some more*
My father was always very detached from everything. We did very little together when I was growing up. We went camping once a year on our family vacation, that is really all I remember doing with my father as 'father son time'. No sports, no playing catch, no father son hobbies, none of that. He worked a job that had him traveling the world on a regular basis. About half the time he was out of town, the other half he was gone 6am to 6pm at the office. When he was home he was reading a book and drinking his coffee. My mother pushed him around constantly, it was obvious who was in charge by far. He took it, and it almost never fought back in the slightest to it. I have no clue what they saw in eachother and why on earth they stayed togather. They both seemed to have some issues with paranoia as well. God help my sister or I if we happened to close the overhead garage door, with electric opener mind you, and forget to lock and deadbolt the inner garage door to the house. I think this paranoia also stemmed over to finanacial things. I know they were making a lot of money, my dad had been with this company forever, had a pretty good job within it and when he was off on a business trip to Sweden, Germany, South Africa or wherever, all his expenses were paid for by the company. My mother worked as well, out of boredom rather than necessity. We lived in a modest house, had modest cars that we held on to for a long time between new ones. They didn't buy hardly anything for my sister and I. They were too busy squirreling away money into safe investments for the future.
So, we're back to me, growing up in this enviornment. It was not so condusive to a happy childhood to say the least. My parents had no social skills, they did something with friends of theirs all of about once every two months. I'm talking about a one evening event here, that was it. So, I grew up knowing little of social skills and had a tough time making and keeping friendships. I always loved animals, we had a cat, I always wanted a dog. But for some reason they would not allow it. So after I graduated high school, I was working a pretty good job, I got a dog and brought him home. I demanded that I was keeping him, trained him pretty well, he was housebroken quickly and knew his manners. This lasted all of about 2 months, then the world came down. Either the dog had to go, or we both did. Why? I never have figured that one out, but we both left. I stepped into the world and finally begun to deal with my issues. But that's a huge topic in and of itself...
So, here I am in Arizona.
My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease a few years back. All of 3 years after he retired. He's been dealing with it pretty well, and had it almost fully under control with medications, up to about 3 months ago. Something snapped and he took a big downward spiral. This of course was torturing my mother, he was not doing what she told him to. So, she was starting to get pretty verbally abusive towards him. Not a happy thing to be around, or to think about. But, try to say anything about it and all her psychoness sets and, she shuts down, does not hear a word you say... WTF. So, there were a few episodes I heard about, my father got diorented to the point where he didn't know who she was. Somehow this was a personal attack against her in her mind, not something to do with the disease. He took off his shoes, walked into the kitchen in socks and fell, this of course was him going against what she said with malicious intent, not simply forgetting things.
So, a week ago he took a pretty bad fall, they thought he had broken a rib or two and off to the emergency room they went. Turns out he only bruised a couple of ribs. But while he was in, the doctor diagnosed him with a form of demensia, similar to alzheimers, on top of his parkinson's disease. Mentally now, he's gone most of the time, he mumbles things where it's lucky if you can make out one word in a string of several sentances. When he is able to talk, he's rather disoriented. Most of the time when I talk to him he seems to think we are business partners, and wants to talk about items from our last board meeting. But now and then he seems to be back in reality, that's usually incoherent speach, but he's managed to get a few sentences out that I will remember forever.
"There are wise people in this world, I've never been one of them."
"I never thought it would end like this."
"So, I guess this is goodbye."
"I don't think I will be here when you get back."
...welcome to hell.
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[03 Oct 2005|11:03pm] |
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Moonspell - Raven's Claws |
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Yup, I did it, I am sure you are all absolutely thrilled and all at the opportunity to hear me ramble on about things, yes indeed.
Now lets see how often I use this thing...
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fenrirulf's journal